Validation, the key to feeling closer & more united with your partner

Validation is a major key when creating a lasting united bond with your partner. Validation means that you are acknowledging your partner's message. Validation is often misconstructed because we are not always taught how to implement this communication technique. As a psychotherapist specializing in couples counseling in the Los Angeles, CA area, it is not out of the ordinary to get pushback from a client when I bring up the Validation word in my session. Validation does not mean you have to agree to whatever your partner wants, says or believes. It might come as a surprise but you do not need to change into a different person or compromise your own beliefs to validate your partner. It’s natural for someone to want to feel heard but when you offer your own perspective without validating your partner's message, you can make your partner feel lonely and unheard. Validation is as simple as empathizing. Empathizing is created when you place yourself into your partner's perspective and understand what emotions they are feeling at that moment.

For you to empathize with your partner you need to understand your partner's message. Listening to their message goes beyond the words they are saying and is more about what those words mean to them. Once you understand their message, repeat it to them.

For example when you hear your partner say “ It hurts me when you talk to me like that”. I want you to focus on the emotion word(s) they are sharing with you. The word hurt, what does that mean? I want you to repeat their message to them and explain how you can relate to their feelings. You can say something like, “What I heard was that I am making you feel hurt when I talk to you like that, I know the word hurt is not a pleasant feeling and it will make me feel bad if you were hurting me”.

Showing empathy toward your partner's message can make them feel heard and understood. Your partner will get a sense that you are hearing their words and trying to understand. When you implement this technique you are not saying that they should feel this way or that you made them feel this way , you are just trying to feel their emotions and be there for them at that particular moment.

You hearing their message and really being in the moment with them will also make it easier for them to repeat that empathy toward your emotions. Emotionally communicating with your partner can make you feel emotionally attuned to one another. By listening to each other's message you might find that your end goals are more similar than you may have thought.

An Example of how to do so is listed below:

• Ask your partner “What is one thing you expect in the relationship and can you give me an example?”
• You will then summarize their message and comment your opinion.
• Your spouse will then summarize your opinion.
• Then it will be your turn to share.

Continue this technique until all of your expectations, core beliefs and values in the relationship have been voiced.

It is not out of the ordinary for couples to feel awkward or afraid of being vulnerable with one another. Working with a therapist for a couple of sessions can help you feel more comfortable with one another.

Relationship counseling can help you work on communicating and rebuilding trust.