What do they really mean?(Understand what your partner is really saying)

Have you ever found yourself wondering what your partner is thinking and why it is so difficult for you to understand them? This confusing feeling is often felt when you are in the middle of an argument with your partner. It is natural for you to jump into a problem solving mode and give them an answer that will solve the problem. As a psychotherapist specializing in couples counseling in the Los Angeles, CA area, l know that giving an answer to a question we don’t know can unfortunately lead to escalating the argument more times than none.

Instead of trying to solve the problem, ask yourself, “What is this argument really about?”, Is your partner the only one feeling an increase in emotions related to the topic or are you right there with them? When you both feel strongly about a topic, it must be something important and that normally goes back to your childhood. If they are the only ones feeling an overwhelming amount of emotions then it might be important to them and they need help explaining it. Either way you need them to help you understand. You can start by letting them know what emotions you are feeling or what causes you to be confused in order to give them insight on your perspective. By providing your partner a clear understanding on where you are coming from you will help them regulate a bit making them more open to express their emotions to you.

If you find it difficult to envision how this conversation would play out, feel free to use the conversation outline I listed below:

When you say (or do)__________ it makes me feel _______ and for that reason I react by _________.

Example: When you say I am dumb it makes me feel like you do not love me and for that reason I react by storming out of the room.

This outline will not only allow your partner to understand how their actions make them feel but it would explain to them why your reactions are directly impacted by their behavior.

Pair this technique with the tools you learned in the validation article, and you are on your way to reshaping the way you and your partner communicate.

If you like this approach to communicating with your partner, feel free to book a session with me in order to add communication tools to your relationship toolbox.