What to do to get them to listen (get your partner to understand your world)

Have you ever felt like you are talking to a wall? This feeling usually comes up when you are having a disagreement or argument and then your spouse checks out. You notice them being physically there but they are not replying. Replying to a conversation can sometimes be shown by commenting , ones body language or just simply showing eye to eye contact. At this point of the conversation you feel frustrated because your spouse is doing neither of the communication techniques while at the same time alone because it makes you feel like your thoughts and emotions are invalid to them. This behavior that was just described is known as stonewalling.

Stone walling is not usually done intentionally by the individual. Stonewalling is caused when an individual feels overwhelmed and flooded with emotions and does not know how to react. Our brain's main function is to keep us safe and when we are flooded with emotions the easiest way our brain can figure out how to keep us safe is by dissociating. Disassociation is done when someone taps out and starts to think of something other than the present moment. From your point of view your partner is not giving your emotions and thoughts importance explaining why they decide to disassociate but on the contcontrary, your emotions are so valid and important to them and instead of coming up with just any answer they get flooded with emotions and their emotions automatically kicks them out.

When you notice this happening you need to understand that your spouse is overwhelmed and the only way you can reel them back in is to unflood them of the emotions and pressure they are feeling. A way we can get our partners attention is by pausing and stopping ourselves from talking and continuing to get invested in the one sided conversation. Once you notice your partner coming back to the present, change the topic and ask them if they would like to pause this conversation and join you in a memory. When you describe a pleasant memory you both shared together, you are allowing your partner to self regulate. Once regulated, you reintroduce the topic and allow your partner to rejoin the conversation without being flooded with emotions.

Relationship counseling can help you work on communicating and learning how to self regulate yourself and one another during stressful moments.

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Relationship counseling can help you work on communicating and rebuilding trust.